


His Whole Life is a Nightmare

by Quipplepunk



Series: Sirius Black [10]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Everything is awful, Other, Song Lyrics, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, after the prank, drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:07:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25114375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quipplepunk/pseuds/Quipplepunk
Summary: Alternate Title: Everything Is Awful IIFirst, Sirius gets very drunk. Then, he hallucinates. And then, he tries to finish the first song he's ever written.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Rubeus Hagrid
Series: Sirius Black [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1709893
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	His Whole Life is a Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes a fourth category is used to make a PTSD diagnosis: negative cognitions. This can include depressed mood, pessimistic thoughts, and self-deprecating beliefs. These negative cognitions can severely limit a person’s functioning.

“I jus’ wan’d ta make ‘im laugh,” Sirius slurs over his third bottle of absinthe.

“Yeah…” Hagrid nods, eyeing Sirius as he sways in his seat. “I think maybe you’ve had too much to drink there, friend.” Hagrid reaches for the bottle but Sirius tucks it away under his arm like he’s holding an infant.

Sirius begins to stroke the bottle and rock side to side as if he’s trying to put the bottle to sleep. “I ‘as jus’ so craz’d ‘roun’ ‘im so many times sso close t’get’er, ya know? I jus’ wan’d ‘im ta laugh. Sso he woul’dn’ hate me.”

“Er, well, Sirius, I don’ reckon I quite understand what happened, but I’m sure it’ll be alright.”

“No it won’!” Sirius yells, jumping to his feet. He waves the bottle around, pointing as he speaks, “An’ ya know why? ‘Cause Ima prat an’ a dung brain an’ a pillock an’ a scumbag an’, an’, an’…” Sirius topples over onto the floor.

Hagrid scoops up Sirius and places him in a big, fluffy armchair. Hagrid puts a bucket and a cup of water next to Sirius and studies him for a while. Sirius is pale and covered with a layer of greasy sweat. His beautiful hair is tangled and matted. With a slow, deep sigh, Hagrid lights a candle. He sprinkles some copper dust onto it and the flame turns blue and green.

About a half hour passes until there is a gentle knock on the door. Hagrid opens the door and Lily says, “Is everything alright? I saw the candle in the window and came right away. Was it burning long before I saw it?”

“Slow down, Lily. I was just hoping you could fill me in a little on what’s going on with Sirius here.” Hagrid steps aside and gestures to Sirius who is sound asleep in the arm chair.

“Oh, I was afraid this was going to happen,” Lily says. She walks over to Sirius and stands with her arms folded across her chest. She looks at Hagrid and says, “How much did he have?”

“Too much for him, I can tell you that,” Hagrid chuckles.

“Yes, I can see that.” Lily waves flippantly towards Sirius’s limp body.

“Oh, don’t get too worried, now. He’ll come around. We’ve all drunk a bit too much before.”

“Hagrid, how much did he have? He may not come around by himself if it was too much!”

“Well, I don’t know what he had before he come here, but he only got about two and half bottles down him before he started swayin’ and slurin’.”

“Only two and half bottles of what?” Lily turned to the table to see the four empty bottles of absinthe on the table. “He didn’t drink all of that, did he?”

“Two of them’s mine.”

“He drank two and a half … What proof is … Merlin, Hagrid. He needs Madame Pomfrey!”

“Does he now? I just thought he couldn’t hold his alcohol. I drank just about that much and I’m right as rain, as you can see.” Lily gives Hagrid a stern look and Hagrid pauses to think. Then he says, “Ah, well, I suppose with him not being half giant and all…”

“Right. Yes, ok.” Lily turns and surveys the scene. “Hagrid, do you think you could carry Sirius? Would that be alright with you?”

“Well, sure, I could. But I don’ wanna get him in trouble or nothin’. He’s having a bit of a hard time, you see.” Lily looks at Hagrid and raises an eyebrow, so Hagrid continues, “I’m not really sure of what’s all been goin’ on, but, uh, he’s awful sure Remus and them all hate him now and forever.”

“Mmm, yes,” Lily says slowly. “They’ve had a bit of a misunderstanding. The lot of them.”

“Well, misunderstandings can get cleared up.”

“Yes, they can.” Lily sighs. More quietly, almost to herself, she says, “I’m not sure what it will take to clear up this misunderstanding though.”

___

_“If you knew the number of times I thought about killing you, I’m sure your behavior would change right quick.”_ Sirius’s mother’s words swirled in his head, overlapping, stopping short, screaming, flying by quickly then droning on and on, monotone then rhythmic.

 _“Me, too, though,”_ Sirius thinks to himself.

_“How can that skinny little neck of yours hold up that thick, thick head?”_

_“Probably the same way yours holds up that big, big hair.”_ Sirius smirks, satisfied with his comeback. Then he frowns, annoyed with himself for not thinking of it in the moment.

 _“All you have ever been, all you will ever be, is a worthless –”_ Sirius furrows his brow, concentrating on the fraction of memory. _“All you have ever been, all you will ever be, is a worthless –”_

 _“Hmm,”_ Sirius thinks to himself. _“Burden?”_ he offers the Walburga Black in his mind.

_“All you have ever been, all you will ever be, is a worthless –”_

_“Yeah, yeah, yeah,”_ Sirius thinks, _“You said that already.”_

_“All you have ever been, all you will ever be, is a worthless –”_

_“A worthless what? For fuck’s sake woman!”_

_“All you have ever been, all you will ever be, is a worthless –”_

“Argh!” Sirius scoffs, pulling on his hair. He roughly rolls over in bed. The heavy curtains around his bed are stuck in place and drenched in silencing charms. It’s warm, and humid, and smelly shut up on his bed. He lays on his back and mumbles to himself, “Lay down your heavy head / It's safer here in bed / And let those voices ring / Everything is awful.”

 _“Shut up! You are to be seen, not heard!”_ says the Walburga stuck in Sirius’s head. _“Stay out of my sight!”_

 _“Gladly,”_ Sirius thinks to himself. The hair on the back of his neck stands up. He feels warm breath on his ear. Sirius feels paralyzed. He forces himself to turn towards the hallucination. He sees nothing, no one. But he still feels him. Sirius tastes leather.

Eventually, Sirius drifts off to sleep. The nightmares hurry in pursuit:

_The silhouette of the back of Walburga Black. Sirius touches his face. No eyes, no nose, no mouth. The floor vanishes beneath his feet and Sirius jumps to the carpet in front of the fireplace. “Harlot,” Walburga says. Sirius cannot speak. Fresh baked pie, homemade whipped cream. Sirius has no mouth, no nose, no eyes. Sirius feels scared. The floor vanishes and Sirius runs up the stairs as they disappear behind him. “Harlot,” again. Sirius reaches out to touch Walburga. His hand goes through her. He cannot feel. He has no fingers. He has no eyes, no nose, no mouth. Sirius wants to scream, “Help!” but he cannot speak. The walls vanish. He is alone. He is alone with a mirror in his hand. He has no fingers. He has no mouth, no nose, no eyes, no voice. He is drowning. Sirius looks up. His parents are eating dinner. He screams, “Please, look at me!” There is pie. Regulus has no mouth. Sirius has no mouth. Sirius sits at the table. Orion reaches through Sirius to pick up a glass a wine. Sirius feels burning pain all over his body. He cannot move. Sirius is dissolving. Turning to dust. Drifting apart. Disappearing. “Harlot.”_

The silencing charms allowed James and Peter to sleep soundly though Sirius’s screams.

___

“You haven’t been to class in days,” Lily says.

Sirius scoffs. “Yeah? Bet Remus hasn’t either.”

“He has, actually. You’re going to fail out of school.”

Sirius shrugs. “I’m dumb anyway.”

“You are not, and you know it.”

“I know no such thing, Lily-bean. I have a thick head. Just ask your boyfriend.”

“You know he didn’t mean that. Not that way.”

“Then what way did he mean it? It’s no use. The band’s not getting back together, my dear. Sorry to disappoint.”

Sirius flicks his wand and his school bag transfigures into a guitar. He props up his composition notebook on his leg awkwardly and holds his pen in his mouth as he plays, badly. Every now and then, he stops strumming and scribbles on the page. Lily shakes her head as she watches him.

“Alright,” Sirius says. “I think I’ve got it. Give a listen.” He plays and sings:

“Oh everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, thing  
Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything is awful  
Everything is awful, everything is...  
I know you've worked so hard  
To hoist your own petard  
Must be so nice; the point caught in your side

Lay down your heavy head  
It's safer here in bed  
And let those voices ring:  
Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, thing  
Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything is awful”

“What do you think?” Sirius says.

Lily raises her eyebrows and offers a soft smile. “It’s good that you’re putting your feelings into music.”

Sirius rolls his eyes, shaking his head. “Always so kind, Lily-bean.”


End file.
